Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road | A Philosopher's Take

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Francis Bacon: To retain his own dignity without intruding upon the liberty of others.

Jacques Derrida: (1)What is the difference? The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language? (2) Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Diogenes: It was looking for an honest bird.

Epicurus: For fun.

Eric Hoffer: When chickens are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: (1) Because it was its duty. (2) The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty

Machiavelli: (1) So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. (2) The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

John Stuart Mills: It was a utilitarian function. She had tasks that were better performed on the other side.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this - their minds do not work that way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved....

Plato: For the greater good.

Alexander Pope: To cluck is avian, to cross devine.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road

Socrates: (1) I will think about it. (2) To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Zeno The Skeptic: Did she really cross the road? How can you be certain?

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